yeah, i liked him til i heard he had a sac that could apparently smother my face.
i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
can you blow me for old times sake
only for old times sake
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
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