a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
I wish I could google chicago male strippers on my work computer but I don't feel like talking to HR today
it felt like I walked into a Tool Academy challenge
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
I'm still drunk from last night...I walked out for a cigarette with one of the Janitors here and apparently someone took a shit on the stairs...Which makes me wonder...was that me?
i wiped a booger on my final. end of semester present.
i was concerned for your health after you took your "last shot" four times...
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
DR UNK TOWN USA
TEAM USA GO AMERICA
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
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