when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
she gave me one of her senior pics and told me specifically to give it to you. In other words she still wants to suck your dick.
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
He came in, laid on our floor and started to make a snow angel.. On the floor. Then he just left never said a word. 20 mins later walked back in and dropped his pants, looked down and said "wow im happy i had boxers on."
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
Just had sex in the room next to my parents. Heading back to school ASAP.
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
somehow I wound up on the floor crying about his beard. then telling everyone I'd give him a "lesbian blowjob".
If you find out what that means, show me.
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
Randomize
