I found out that all you need to write a 12 page paper is adderall and twizzlers
Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
You act like this is the first time i've fingered two 17 year olds at the same time
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
I still can't believe you had sex with someone who willingly went by Peaches.
Yours weakened by children. Mine weakened by a forearm sized cock for 8 years.
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
Hypothetically speaking, at what point does fire become too much fire?
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
Randomize
