So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
you just stood there spinning and got mad if anyone tried to stop you
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
I lost the bet. I now have to do all chores sans clothing of any kind. I give it a week before I'm knocked up...
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
The house across the street caught on fire today, Drunk people high centered their car tonight. Looking out my front window I get to watch police chases all the time. I am going to miss this place.
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
Randomize
