Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
He sent me a picture of his dick earlier so now we can all laugh at him tomorrow
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
THINK! exactly how many raw eggs did you color and hide in my apt.
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
My boobs keep hanging out of this shirt. I think thats the style I'm going for tonight
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
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