i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
he said i was weird because i want to have sex in public places.
i dont think thats weird i think thats fun
i forgot to tell you, he fell asleep outside my house again last night, but im weird
Superbowl + Mdma, hope we're on the same page.
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
We had a complete conversation while I was giving him head, at one point he even stopped me and said 'I love how we're just hanging out.'
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
As if right now I am a humanitarian. Full story to come in the morning. It involves sex.
Shit dude that sort of wholesale destruction can't just be done at the drop of a hat
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
If you sleep with another manager before the year is up you'll deserve an accomplishment sticker.
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
what is considered shitting yourself?
Like my underwear wasn't soiled, but there was definitely a departure from my asshole.
Randomize