My balls are about to become a huge part of your mouth's life
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
The future queen of Norway was pregnant with a druglord's baby when she met the prince. We still have hope.
She was doing lines off of her friends boobs in the limo at 9 oclock on a thursday This has the potential to be the best weekend ever
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
First week back and I made to one class, its gonna be okay after all.
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
She was chasing her shots with beefaroni and I think I fell in love.
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