I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
we were making out and he got up to change his pants. I wonder what would happen if i took my shirt off.
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
Finally washing the shoe scuff marks off my front windshield :( bye bye memories
Because you stood over the Ice luge screaming STONE COLD and poured beer on everyone
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
Where are you guys?
Drunk
Randomize
