I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
I have now ridden the bus with a ninja, a samurai and Jesus. Who says the bus is for losers.
Please, do not let 'babydaddy' catch on as your petname for me.
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
I'm going to see if it catches on fire again, then I'll make the decision.
RIGHT?!?! I'M ACTUALLY UPSET I DON'T GET TO MAKE THE 2.3 MILE TREK TO SUCK HIS COCK, yes I google earthed it.
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
but, alas, I am not the lady in the streets. I'm simply the freak in the sheets.
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
Randomize
