And when I look at him, I just want him to say "I love you" in between deep thrusts and hard grunts.
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
I just got woken up by some Christians who wanted to talk about the bible. ways to make a hangover even worse for a thousand trebek
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
well at least now you can say you got an STD from the frontman of a band no one's heard of
fuck you.
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
I'm so bored I talked to the Bible guys for 30 minutes.
I offered them beer last time they came here bahaha
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
I'm still not sure how to feel about the fact that we had a threesome with a guy the same age as my dad
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
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