bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
No i'm not calming down the girl at white castle did not need to see the picture of my dick on your phone.
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
Technically ya I did. Hes tried to get down my pants like 3 times now and every time I have been all "these are not the Droids you are looking for"
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
Did we seriously just get into a fist fight over kit kats?
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
Taking a walk while tripping face during Halloween time was a bad idea. I started crying bc I was so scared and hide in the parks playground.
you should just get a floor plan of your dorm and start checking off rooms.
Randomize
