I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
It's hard for me to sext him when the picture i see on my phone when he texts me is his facebook default of him and his girlfriend.
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
Its the least I can do really, I mean, I did sleep with her husband...
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
Church parking lot, park bench, front porch. I think she's more comfortable going down on me in public. May have found the one.
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
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