3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
I need to stop coming to work sober
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
I left boob prints on the hood of his car. Something to remember me by.
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
We both got free alcohol and got laid by foreign men last night.
I'm not going out again for the rest of my life. I can't top this.
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
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