if she shaves her mustache, i'll let her give me head
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
We were naked in his bed when he asked me "what should we do?"
I'd say I should re evaluate my life choices, but I'd make the same decisions only faster and wearing a push up bra.
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
So I'm thinking next semester you should be my own personal maid, nurse, masseuse and chef in exchange for free lodging, any food you can find, and unlimited access to my reproductive organs.
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
The last thing I remember about last night was guzzling white zinfandel out of the box and eating cheese. And I was thinking OH YOU FANCY HUHHH
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
I get so many dick pics from him...He has an unhealthy obsession with his own penis...
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
I just slept for fifteen hours straight. It's like my body knows i'm drinking with you and is preparing..
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