Like worst hickies ever he always gives them like wtf
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
hell no. last time, i couldn't pee straight for a week.
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
i almost threw up on his dick. its like icarus, flew too close to the sun. except the sun is his dick and my throat was icarus
I want a musical about memes.
Got drunk tryed walking 12miles to zacks house woke up at noon on baseball park
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
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