Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
Was in the middle of a keg stand, the frat guys dropped me, and I broke my nose. My mom didn't enjoy that call from the hospital.
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
I smoked out of two pipes at the same time while my friends wielded the lighters last night. It felt like I graduated to the next level of stoner.
I'm far too poor to be letting my hookups wear my shirts home. I'm down to about a total of 8 shirts and have no intention of buying more
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
Am I supposed to get so horny by looking at your dick that I start orgasming uncontrollably
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
...blackout vacation is awesome. Where did you end up? I think i'm in Miami.
Hospital.
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
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