ARE YOU ALIVE? usually when i say lets start drinking at inappropriate times you come right over. im worried
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
I'm making you a bingo card for hookups of the school year 2011-12 so you can make even worse life decisions next year
Well, it's hard to say. Last night he puked a perfect circle around him on the floor, and then sat in it insisting it would protect him from the smoke monster. He's was still there last time I checked.
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
it's like he didn't even know what a vagina was
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
Ha. Yeah that's all I found you with this morning. Butt ass naked w my robe across your lap and your arms thrown back in handcuff position.
Randomize
