EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
She's dressed as Musafa. How could this not be a good idea?
Just hide your weed in your baby brothers shirt. TSA wont check a baby, thats fucked up
Well, I can't relate. I have no idea what it feels like to withhold sex. Or have self-control in general.
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
well after pounding on the ceiling for 5 mins i just went up there to tell them to shut up.. 2 hours later i'm naked, high, lying on their kitchen floor. it escalated so quickly
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
Just say the word and u can be elbow deep in this glorious rack
This is why I love you...
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
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