u know ur drinking tonight lol i dont know why you try to deny it
but i dont wanna get emotional and drunk text
then give me ur phone
NEVER!!
No, you can still breathe under the balls.
i asked him how he could stand the smell of skunk. his answer was "it smells like good weed"...
If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
we are cloud gazing and there is one that looks like a giant baby riding a dolphin and smoking a joint
i wish there was a reasonable explanation for why this reminds me of you
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
I will never use my dick in anger. With great dick comes great responsibility
I peed outside 4 times after the bar, safe to say I had great night
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
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