I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
How many pudding cups do I have to eat for it to count as dinner?
4.
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
Her boyfriend was wrestling another girl. But, she said she was okay with it because she kept checking for boners--w the back of her hand like she was checking for a fever
We found her. She's owling on the sink in the bathroom.
Just smokin in the creek with some deer, they like the smoke, I know.
rigging a system to keep my jello shots cold in class. important election day work.
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
I'm shrooming way too hard to deal with your bullshit at this particular point in time
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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