I wish I could teleport
I think I died a long time ago.
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
my vagina's been through so much this weekend
you mean so much has been through your vagina this weekend?
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
We now know how the night ended in arrest according to the flip camera I did 10 handle pulls and beer bonged a 40. My life choices are getting worse and worse this is your fault.
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
all i want is a guy to go down on me while i eat peanutbutter from a jar
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