guess who just got paired up at the beer pong table with the fat girl who's nipples are hanging out...
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
I ended up giving him head, i think it was mostly a defensive move so that he wouldn't discover i was wearing those onesy spanx
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
Well you just missed the ten chi o pledges singing la bamba at our doorstep.
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
He just showed up. He's like 5'8 and brought a beer pong table that has " I love gay boys" on it. How could this go wrong
And the next morning he asked me why I had clothes on so I said so that he could take them off again.
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
Randomize
