if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
Some asshole just brought BK into my summer class, im already high as hell, i did not need another way to not pay attention
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
he needs to stop knowing everyone on campus...it's making cheating on him really difficult.
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
The trick will be getting hammered before we get to the first bar
Challenge accepted
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
I came so hard I literally levitated off the top of his dick. Gravity was no match for that orgasm!
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
Randomize