you guys were way drunker than both of me
After he proceded to violently molest my tits until 9 am i snuck out of his room only to meet his mother downstairs, who informed me she heard the giant sexfest going on in the room next to them.. this was before she called us both "chickenshits".. worst walk of shame ever.
but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
Did we fight the bathroom girl ? She just wanted to give us lotion and condoms.
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
I don't want to just hook up with random dudes. I've had enough bad sex to know that it's not worth hooking up with strangers
It's not?
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
Randomize
