You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
did you seriously just ask me if there is such thing as a sophisticated batman shirt?
Part in the USA is on your top 25 most played on iTunes. you have NO RIGHT to judge me.
New development. Drinking at work is so easy and awesome I might have to do it everyday.
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
Nothing like being naked and confused and clutching a scented candle...at least I woke up in my own bed though.
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
The fact he has had a girlfriend for 5 years and they are trying to work it out isn’t going to stop me from sleeping with him. He said it himself you can’t cheat on someone you love...
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
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