I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
i would punch a child for taco bell
If you get a breast reduction, you have to let me see them before hand at least once. It's a rule.
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
New favorite sorority...they made me pancakes in the morning and welcomed back the walk of shame girls with a round of applause
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
WHY are you masturbating to hockey fights?
Dude on the shuttle bus eating a Butterfinger and watch porn on his phone and doesn’t give a fuck who knows
We need to get on his level
Randomize
