So it's 11:24am. I've had sex twice and been laid 3 times. I love holidays!
I understand the whole sex thing but did you really get laid or is that synonymous for more alcohol?????
Honestly.
Don't say a word.
I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.
why does he think he needs to feed/take me out to get some ass? we are at a bar wasting my fucking time
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
So high. I just took a picture of my chewed gum so I can remember to paint a picture of it as a cloud later.
When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
I drove two hours just to throw up on myself today at the beach. My family saw the whole thing and my younger cousin cried
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
Randomize
