Something clean will definitely be barfed on tomorrow.
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
I'm glad I have good healthy relationships with my one night stands
his profile picture is him throwing up "#1" hands after his lax championship next to his coach that i fucked....embarrasing for him, yet ironically beautiful for me.
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
Duuuude - Drag Queen Bingo wasn't supposed to end like thissss
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
Randomize