I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
i jus got home and totaly forgot i had nut all over the back of my shirt
..im mad u rememberd about that
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
when we woke up this morning she was missing two teeth. the front two.
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
pesky things like morals, self-preservation and cowardice are not needed. overkill is nothing but a word. there will be blood.
Pussy, Peanut Butter Cookies,and Bubble Wrap
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