Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
Have you not heard of Jennifer's supreme lust for William Shatner? She wants to eat Taco Bell off of his love handles
Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
She has more profile pics than tagged pics. narcissism at its best.
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
One of two things would happen: He'd love it, or you'd get a restraining order.
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
Bruh. He just said the words "cyber sex"-is it 1999?
Randomize