I'm pants shitting drunk right now
I haven't seen him in over a year. He asked me to his prom over myspace. Is he fucking serious?
you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
Some milfs here doing some blow
Dad?
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
the last thing i heard from her was "i wanna get fucked by a stranger" and i haven't seen her since
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
Come over here. Bongs and porn. I found the promised land
But once you are just right and I work my tongue in the right spots and hot wax your balls and inner thighs. I will have you right where I want you.
Who is this?
Oops wrong number
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
Randomize
