I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
Ran into him today. He apologized via facebook. sometimes I hate our generation
Europeans suck. I just gave him head and somehow i am the one paying for the coffee
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
I'm at an awkward stage of not being able to tell if I wanna keep having fun or if I need to die in bed
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
Can rosie odonnell just not be a lesbian? Shes stressing me out, knowing we bat for the same team.
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
It would be magical, all 2 min of it.
COME TO THE TOP OF THE MOUNTAIN AND I WILL GIVE YOU MY SAGE ADVICE.
If we're going to communicate going forward, you'll need to be versed in Gillian Anderson.
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
Randomize
