my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
I call biggest shit show at the party. I welcome all challengers.
Is it bad that now when i read ingredients in the food I eat i only read it as shrooms instead of mushrooms ?
she was passed out on the moving sidewalks in the airport, we NEED to travel more often
Just saw all the pictures from the party. I'm wearing a different shirt in every single one.
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
you'll probably come home to me baked as fuck and shirtless
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
I just do things that aren't classy the classy way.
Randomize
