Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
Day two of taking my adderall. I just organized the pantry and alphabetized my dvds. I've missed my mind on drugs
...just for future reference, one Four Loko can fits PERFECTLY in a venti iced coffee cup from Starbucks
Your ability to be a slut in your nightmare astounds me
I am particularly sorry about getting dome in your backseat. And for thinking you wouldn't notice.
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
using the campers leftover pizza money at the bar. Definition of great counselors right here.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
Dan I was a mess I made out with a 40 yr old who gave me a wad of cash for Christmas. Like wtf
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
Randomize
