just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
I don't think you have the libido for two women at the same time
I think you underestimate the amount of time spent masturbating
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
there's a picture of him beating off in the library with a cowboy hat. please steer clear of this one if you ever want to be respected.
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
So after taking my shirt off, he pulls my bra off like a hockey jersey. FUCKIN PRO. Guy knew what he wanted.
This is stupid. I am not getting knocked up from fucking in his backseat behind a starbucks. I refuse.
Not only did I sleep with the guy but I think I may have called my work and quit to go work for him.
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
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