she was on her period so I asked if she wanted to make ass babies
no.. I went home. Puking up hot dogs and lemon tart isn't as lovely as it sounds.
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
I told the American that we should start banging in Canada incase I get hurt and have to go to the hospital.. is that rude to say?
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
I'm telling you, this vagina is really making the rounds lately...
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
To be honest, the last time I saw him he had a jesus costume on telling people to pray to his bible.
So he's at the chuch?
No, hooters.
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
Randomize