You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
Wasn't a date. In exchange for artichoke dip I received a bj. And sex. It was a transaction.
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
The only thing I know is that these arent my shoes and Aaron is missing and he has my house keys.
So he noticed that I cut a half inch off of my hair. Guess who just earned himself some road head on the way to the twin cities?
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
I felt like the hulk waking up from a black out except with munchies
I'm currently in h&m wondering "what exactly is the class level of a swingers resort?"
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
Randomize
