i think i may have caused an international incident at the french embassy, just fyi
hahaha how?
its a long story involving a horse trailer and some shrubbery
The last thing I remember is yelling "ill handle this" while wearing a lion suit and holding a jug of vodka when the RAs came
do you think its obvious that we spent all afternoon playing naked body oil twister?
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
Need. Hospital. Physically am floating.
I dunno what he did but it both burns and feels amazing to pee
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
Then that means he's outwardly conservative. Inwardly he's a total gay horndog. He's like a spy that can ruin conservative plans.
I want to change all my life goals to that.
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
drunk brunch me or lose me forever
I tried to help you up but you said "let me dance it off"
Come eat Chinese buffet and watch us trip on acid. It'll be fun.
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
Randomize
