You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
i just found out that washing ur bong in the dishwasher works. its been a productive day
When health care reform is passed, I'm throwing a kegger
You are the reason we need health care reform
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
I cannot for the life of me remember why I am holding this rabbit.
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
Making a mobile stripper pole for the back of my truck memorial weekend. Is where dignity goes to die
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
Just letting you know that your little sister is now your eskimo brother. You can send a thank you edible arrangement to Tammy.
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
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