My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
You threw a hot dog at his face...I wouldn't call you either.
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
I remember you licked my face and said that's all you're getting
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
idk what the male equivelent of vajazzling is but it better be worth the time
Watching porn.....Adele is playing in the background...so many emotions right now...so many.
Randomize
