I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
I'd invite him but there's too many people who have fucked me going already
We shoved chex mix between her tits for her own survival.
I have no idea what's going on.... I just want to wear my horse sweatshirt and drink vodka.
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
He is currently pregaming mini golf. MINI GOLF.
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
Take the weirdness of Japan and add the insanity of Florida and that's Jimmy
Hahaha. I'm so high, this is gonna be so intense. Even the DVD menu scared the shit out of me.
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
Randomize
