i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
That girl is nothing but trouble. She's 40% red hair and 60% daddy issues.
Also, I'm going to TRY and be casual this weekend, but really, we need to be serious about equally dividing our time between party and bullshit.
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
Costco (TM). Making alcoholism affordable!
Stay home. Ain't nothing out in these mean streets but plan b and regret
Just found a rebirth in peppermint schnapps. May be able to stay up all night and finish this paper after all. MERRY CHRISTMAS
Randomize
