I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
He just screamed at her, "if you pass out i am still having sex with you!!!" In front of the entire party.
season finale of lost and an oz of weed. tonight my mind is going to be blown.
She washed lettuce and peppers in the shower and proceeded to make a salad
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
Correct me if I'm wrong, but did you let me pee in the grass while barking? And also, how many of you have videos?
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
How did i get home and why am i wearing someone elses shorts?
1. Not sure how 2. You showed up naked, we had to dress you.
I started keeping track of my period when I realized you had a better grasp of it than me.
Just slather his penis with BBQ sauce
Randomize
