I wish I could teleport
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
i would compare it to sliding down a velcro-covered fireman's pole naked. no more bearded men for me.
Using my graduation announcement box as a table to roll a blunt on. I've official stopped giving a shit about senior year
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
The sex definitely would have been a perk. But not sitting in a ditch was what I was going for...
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
He put your tit in his mouth. Professionalism is out the window after that.
okay valid
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