Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
I thought making out with his sister would be a great way of meeting him. But it backfired.
She wasn't to happy when she went to put her shirt on and it was covered in cum I just looked at her and said collateral damage....
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
That's always how I imagine things at your apartment...
Good, I'm glad you don't have some weird, skewed, clothed version of reality over here.
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
Randomize
