Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
do you ever facebook stalk someone so much you think their inside jokes are yours?
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
Are you absolutely against sleeping in your car? Because i've done that before.
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
Life is so difficult sometimes. Can you imagine? Going through life, constantly creating boners everywhere you go.
when you're a senior and the freshman guy you wake up next to asks who you are, you DO NOT give him your real name.
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
It’s a prereq for med school, so I hope the professor likes blow jobs
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
Randomize
