so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
Hey babe, chan wants you to stop texting her about the size of TJ's dick. please.
Then you jumped off your bed with your arms outstretched, yelled "I'm Goliath, watch out New York!" and then began singing the Gargoyles theme song as you 'soared' around your room.
Don't be ridiculous, the Gargoyles theme song has no words. How could I sing that mess?
You just started going "da da da da da! da da da da da! DA DA!!" then going "swoosh" as you glided about.
Whatever. I indirectly made you cum overseas. Call it even.
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
Chris used to fill up a Camel Back for thirsty Thursday. God I really miss him, do you remember when he gets out of jail?
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
In bathroom. Hand in air with cell phone. Help.
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
She's astronaut crazy. She will wear Depends and drive 12 hrs non-stop if you swipe right.
Challenge accepted
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
She stood up through my sunroof the entire drive home. screaming her ass off and singing free falling..
Randomize
