I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
im going to live freely with my legs opened and my heart closed
ill do whatever it takes for me to get more high and eat pie
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
Plus, I have my cousin, the dominatrix, to help me out if things get out of hand
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
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