fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
talking dirty on facebook chat is the new phone sex.
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
...just for future reference, one Four Loko can fits PERFECTLY in a venti iced coffee cup from Starbucks
Just to clear things up. I did not walk in on him jacking off to your facebook profile.
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
You grinded on me in Jimmy johns to a madonna song.
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
dude...i punched my best friend in the face, broke up with my girlfriend, and shit my pants.......now i don't know which one to take care of first.
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
He's mad at me because I said I wouldn't date him if his dick was smaller. I fail to see the issue
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