She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
On a positive note, new entry in my phone as 'HOT ASS, DOWN TO FUCK'. idk if its a boy or girl tho.
Update, its a couple
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
No, I don't think your idea of offering shots in exchange for bonus points to your history professor at B-Dubs was a good idea. Especially after you later told him that you would "tap that" in regards to his wife.
They evidently had to pull his penis out of me while we were passed out on the floor.
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
I will turn myself into a beacon of get at me bro
So the guy I hooked up with during welcome week just tried to booty call me from across the lecture hall at 9am. I don't think he gets how this works...
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
So I've already made 5 bad decisions today, wyd?
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize
