What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
Yeah I'm a responsible adult man but I legally unbind myself from anything that occurred that evening and am in no way responsible for those actions.
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
I'm supposed to be studying for finals but all I can think about is blowing him on a sea doo this summer
me blowing you awake is the exact turn i want our relationship to take
Dammit labor day drinking cancelled due to 3 inch long table saw cut to palm
bro, your right, i shouldn't feel embarrassed about taking shots from a penis-shaped ice sculpture
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
that pic of me and the hulking football player sure does come in handy when creepy guys hit on me at the bar.
I mean with a sentence like that I knew I would be cumming
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
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