I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
Oh no, it isn't official until she poops.
I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
it was literally the size of a crayloa marker. i didnt know what to do with it so i just sat there
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
He threw up. He never throws up. It was like finding out superman cant fly anymore. I was so sad for him.
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
I turned around and there were three 10 year old kids running around with sparklers. Weirdest college part ever.
Welcome to Philly.
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
I was Jaeger weird. I was rolling on the floor pretending to be an Olympic gymnast and my name was Gina
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
Randomize
