this guy just used the pickup line "God must have spent a little more time on you" I recognized the nsync lyric immediately.
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
he started drinking at 9am with grey goose and pancakes. He IS my hero.
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
we took shots then she made me eat a dill pickle with cream cheese wrapped in a piece of turkey.
A surprise thumb up the ass and I'm wide awake. She was right, no need for caffine pills I could fight ninjas now.
Is this the 6 foot tall blonde I screwed in the bar last weekend?
In the bar?! Very impressive! But keep guessing!
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
I'm gonna have to kick a girl scouts ass...
This will never work. His dick is smaller than mine.
Wow. And yours is kind of small.
RIGHT?
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
Randomize
