literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
I guess I made wings because there's chicken everywhere. Even on the walls. 3 of them. It's like a chicken grave yard.
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
I just want an early 40-something dude who is vaguely unencumbered, professionally driven and wants to put me in a ball gag.
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
Awww I'm so proud! Starting friendships before you hook up!
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
wheres my face? and why is my pocket so big?
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
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