if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
the liability waiver did not state that i couldn't bring my bottle of wine in the bouncy castle. it did Not.
I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
omg i forgot michael madsen was in free willy this is the most epic movement of my stoned life
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
Well if my looks don't work with her I'll eat the 50 nuggets to impress her fat roommate.
RIGHT?!?! I'M ACTUALLY UPSET I DON'T GET TO MAKE THE 2.3 MILE TREK TO SUCK HIS COCK, yes I google earthed it.
All i remember was you crying naked on the bathroom floor because you were cold. I got you a blanket and you kept kicking it off and crying because you were still cold.
we went from five shot glasses to three in one night. we lost 'badass' and gumbi, but the ninja turtle survived. courtney says to avoid any more casualties we're not allowed to use shot glasses past 1am. and we're not allowed to throw them
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
So apparently I twerked on my coworkers last night. One month at the new job n I guess this is how I'm getting to know people
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
Randomize
