I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
Dude, this place has 10% alcohol beer on tap. It's like God's semen.
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
he just came in and straightened the chair and left again
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
You just kept yelling and saying, "IM NOT GOING TO STOP YELLING UNTIL YOU TAKE THAT SHOT"
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
Let's just say I peed the bed last night, and I wasn't in it alone. Whoooops
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