i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
Ive been tazing him too get him immuned. He will be unstopable.
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
I walked in and saw him spread eagle on the couch beatin it, while he just pet the dog that sat there and stared. mom was pissed
This taco party has no tacos, just a hot asian guy in booty shorts. We were lied to.
Remember when we had a keg, and then another 5 cases... and like 30 people drank it all?
Everything hurts.
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
this poor kid thinks hes going to have his first time with both of us
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