so i told him i have my period and he put his head by my vagina and said "I HATE YOU!"
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
You. Me. Frosting and a bed. Lets do this.
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
We accept all of your sexual lovers, Jewish, episcopalian, atheist. Dick is dick
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
Life without a bra equals bliss.
I would fuck him just for his dog
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
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