she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
If it looks really sketchy and smells like burnt pizza and pot you're in the right place
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
Watch out, there's a giant vagina in the quad running around screaming at people.
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
So you let the Viking explore your nether regions?
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
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